A moment of pride

Over the last year or so, I've lived through many periods of lack of self esteem. What if all of this is for nothing? What if I'm not a good writer, what if everything I've written will always be surpassed by other people's work? Bad grades during my university years are often the cause of my lack of self esteem. If my lecturers don't like this work, then who else is going to?These periods get you down, and I find myself wondering why I'm even bothering.

This last week... I've found my reason.

A month ago, I joined a website called ABCTales.com. I found this website through going to the Writing Industries Conference, where a newly published writer said that these websites can often help your writing as you can get feedback on your work from people who don't know you and are therefore not pushed into saying what they think you want to hear.

I put up two pieces of my work from last year, and while I didn't get any bad feedback, I really didn't get any feedback at all.

Last Monday however, I put a story I'd written for my Short Stories Portfolio module onto the website. When I checked on it on Tuesday, I found that I'd had a comment stating that the piece was 'pretty good'... but that wasn't the shocking part. The shocking part was that the story, titled 'The Last Word' had been Cherry picked.

Now, Cherry Picked means that the story has been chosen by the moderators and admin of the website, deemed in their eyes as a piece of writing that the other members should read. I was elated. My work had been chosen! I was happy with the story, but I'd never expected that.

Just before I'd found this out though, I'd put up another piece. Again, a short story I was submitting for my portfolio. This piece I was a little more unsure of. It is an experiment in Synaestesia (a condition where people can smell colours, or where words have a certain colour to them) In this piece, my character has been in a car crash, and as they move closer to death, their senses become more mixed up.

In my elation that one of my stories had been cherry picked, I began checking the site more often for replies and the number of reads my stories had accumulated. Wednesday, I added another story to the site, 'The Game', and checked up on how Dial Tone was doing... It had been Cherry Picked too, as well as earning two reviews.

"Well done, you really got into the body of the crash victim. I liked the way you kept the semi-conscious state of mind going. Everything in the story was great, the only thing I would wonder about is extending the crash scene... where everything goes into slow motion."

"Unusual and frequently surprising uses of colour and noise.
You called it an "experiment in synaesthesia"
I'd say it worked rather well."

Could this week get any better? Well, apparently it could.

On Thursday, I once again checked on the progress of my stories. 'The Game', the last story I had submitted and probably one of the stories I am most proud of, had also been Cherry Picked. THREE IN ONE WEEK! If you have seen me when I'm excited, well, picture that times about ten. I was ecstatic!

I also had two reviews:

"Lovely stuff, beautifully framed by the chess game and the therapy session...
Do you mean (al)lure instead of lore in:
“Not everything,” he corrected kindly as Dana made her move. “But I agree it doesn’t really have the same lore it used to.”?
Most enjoyable piece"

and....

"A fine piece of writing. it kept me engaged from beginning to end."


However, it was only today that I had my immense moment of pride.

Taking into account that on ABCTales there are roughly 15,000 members and 50,000 stories, I thought being Cherry picked was a huge achievement. It was only today while I was looking around the site yet again and went onto the forums when I saw that not only had 'The Game' been cherry picked...

It had been made Story of the Week! MY STORY! My story had been chosen out of all the stories submitted over the last week. I couldn't believe it. I stared at my computer screen for almost five minutes as it sunk in. This was un-bloody-believable!

After telling my dad about it, and him saying he wanted to read it, I called my mum as they are both very interested in my writing. While I was on the phone to her and telling her about all this, she went on the website and was asking me how to find the piece. She then said "I've found story of the week, Oh, is this one yours?" I'd have thought she'd have looked for my online name, which I'd told her was CheleCooke. No. There is a link to Story of the Week from the main page.

After I'd put down the phone, I went to look, and found this:

(18.04.08) The Game by CheleCooke is one of a number of excellent pieces submitted by this writer this week. This one appealed in particular because the match of imagery and content was just spot on:

http://www.abctales.com/story/chelecooke/game

I think another five minutes of screaming followed.

I think the reason I am so proud of this is because these people have never met me. They've never seen my writing before, and they've judged it worthy of telling people to read my work. These people are all writers as well.

It's these moments of pride that make me realise that this isn't just a hobby I've decided to put more time into studying and trying to perfect. This could actually be my career!

I am not a student... I am not a waitress... I am a writer. I just haven't been published yet.

The Death of Decency

I've always believed in the good in people, that when another human being is in trouble, we will try to help. Apparently I was wrong. Some people will help. Some people, even if they don't know the person in suffering will run to their aid, will not care if they get dirty in the process. Will hold their hand (or their head) until someone else can help. Others will laugh at their expense.

Well, that was what happened tonight. A regular customer, a man all the staff know on friendly terms started fitting in the restaurant. We think he had a heart attack. He threw up, and we had to call an ambulance. One of the staff, Dan, was great and stayed with him throughout as we tried to keep the restaurant going while the Ambulance arrived.

Even another customer, a man at a table that had just arrived, stayed close to help. He held Mr Dodd's head and tried to help in any way he could. The people at the next table just laughed. They were laughing at a man in obvious pain and need of help. I just couldn't believe it. What the hell has happened to this world if we laugh at others in pain. We watch movies about people being tortured and killed, we laugh at videos on youtube of people having accidents... what is wrong with us?

The worst part, for me, as one of the waitresses and therefore not meant to talk back to the customers, was one of the women at the table who were laughing saying to me: "Can't you move him? We won't be able to eat."

'NO!' I wanted to scream. 'We can't f***ing move him, he's having a fit!'

We kept working after the ambulance had taken him to hospital. We appologised to customers for leaving the door open (which made it cold) so the paramedics could get him out. We served them food and wine and they had a good time. I tried to breathe as I cleared up the sick.

I earned a bottle of wine for being the one to clear it up. A thank you from my boss for not asking anyone to clear it up, but for just going and getting a bucket and towels and doing it without question. Is that what it's worth? I don't care. I didn't ask for wine. I didn't ask for anything. Why should I? It was my way to help. Dan was already helping when I realised what was happening, and having heard that giving people air was always a good idea, I didn't want to crowd the situation.

The people at the next table laughed at me as I cleared up the remains of Mr Dodd's table. Am I funny? Is it funny that I am cleaning up the remains of a heart attack and fit while you drink your wine? They looked at me funny when I cleared away their plates... scared that I might be contaminated by his 'apparent filth'?

Some people are heartless, and decency is dying a slow and painful death.

Reading and Watching and Writing.... Oh My!

There's been quite a lot going on over a last two weeks. Some good, some not so. You know how it is, when one part of your life is going well... nothing else does. (Well, for me anyway.)

I went to a Writing Conference last Saturday. I've got to say, I had a bloody great time! The Conference wasn't so much about writing as it was about getting published, and working in different sectors in writing. It was really illuminating, especially when I spoke to a lecturer from Nottingham Trent, and when I explained that my lecturers seem to look down on commercial writing, and preferred more "out there" work - he called them stuck up. At least some people agree with my choice to write fiction that has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Lessons for the day: Commercial Writing doesn't mean it's bad! And also: beware anyone who calls themself your biggest fan! (Misery fears)

I asked out the guy I like. He said no... typical. And so yet again, I am spending a Valentine's Day with no prospects for romance... let alone an actual romance. Hurrah for me! I'm going to watch some of the first season of Prison Break - at least that way I get to watch a cute man take his shirt off.

I've finally been able to get some writing done. I finished my short story "The Promotion" (The Angel story about the end of the world) I'm pretty pleased with it. Obviously, there are some alterations that need to be made, and I had it workshopped this week, but when it's finished, I think it'll be pretty good. :) I've also decided to stop working on Myrle for a little while. I've come to a standstill, and I don't want to force it. So, I'm going to work on getting back what I lost of my Dean Deacon story. I'm pretty happy with where it's going, and I know what I need to write. It should come pretty easily.

I have a new job too. Working at Le Bistro Pierre as a waitress. It's pretty good, and I got £22 in tips for about 9 hours work, so I'm happy. I really need the money. It's hard work, but luckily for me, when I'm there I seem to forget everything else that's going on because I'm trying so hard to keep on top of everything going on there. - So happily, no thinking for Michele.

Of course, if normal work is good... uni work isn't. I'm starting to freak out about my dissertation, and how much my deadlines are looming. It's scary that in two and a half months I will have finished university. Of course, I'd like to move back to San Francisco after I finish, but with money issues plus the fact I need a job before I can get a visa... I'm going to have to wait a while before I try to move.

It's all rather scary - but then again, aren't all good things?

Good vs Great Movies

I've been watching a lot of movies recently... I always watch a lot of movies. While I may be someone who will try to make a living as an Author, and should therefore turn to novels for my escapism... the fact of the matter is: movies are a lot faster to get through. It doesn't take someone eight hours to watch a movie, which it will most likely do with a novel. Anyway, I am getting off the point.

My point is that recently I have seen quite a few movies. Good movies, alright movies, some that should never have been made, and some that I will adore until the end of my days.

Now, the story of this movie begins yesterday when I decided to watch Casino Royale, a film I bought for pure entertainment value because I happen to enjoy more male based movies sometimes. While I do like chick flicks, sometimes a movie where they shoot people and drive fast beautiful cars is just what I need. Yesterday was one of those days, so I popped Bond into my DVD drive of my computer and pressed play.

Usually, I would skip the adverts before the film... why watch the trailers to films that are probably already out... the suspense is gone and I've usually seen them anyway. Only yesterday I didn't. I watched the trailer for Pursuit of Happiness... but before that, I watched the trailer to a movie I hadn't seen: Stranger than Fiction.

Another point I should probably mention now is that I am currently working on a collection of stories in which one of my characters knows he is in a work of fiction, and so goes to great lengths to hack into the author's computer and change things for his own amusement, and to keep the security on the story correct. So, when I saw the advert for a movie about a man who realises he is the main character in a novel... I just had to buy it and watch it. If for nothing other than research.

After watching this film, there is only one thing I am thinking... Why in the world are people remaking films and making crappy sequels that eventually degrade the first film (which happened to be really good) when people are having AMAZING ideas like this story?

This film, while may not have had amazing press, may not have broken box office records, I think is ABSOLUTELY fabulous! The film revolves around a man named Harold Crick (Played by Will Farrell), who starts hearing a woman (Karen Eiffle played by Emma Thompson) narrating his life. When the woman says that Harold didn't realise his life was speeding towards his imminent death, he decides to take action and try to find the narrator before she kills him.

The plot is fantastic. It is funny, clever, and absolutely lovely. The person who came up with this story is a genius, and I just couldn't not write about it. There are SO many wonderful ideas out there, yet we keep going to watch the same old story lines. Remade with new actors and a bigger budget.

My advice for everyone. Go find a movie, or a book, or a TV show, ANYTHING with a story you've never heard of before. It may end up on your favourites list.

Ranting and Resolutions.

Well, it's new years, and we all know what that means. Millions of people making millions of resolutions they have no intention of keeping. People saying they will quit smoking, when they keep smoking saying "I'll just smoke today because I didn't stop at midnight therefore can't stop today." People saying they want to lose weight but trying to do it with the newest absurd diet no one could stick to for more than a month.

And worst of all, you have to sit through listening to these people going on about their resolutions, then them asking you about yours. I would like to keep mine to myself thank you. That's why they're my resolutions.

There is only one I will tell you about... to get a good degree. To do my work well and on time, to not leave it all until the last minute. I need a good degree!

On a completely separate note, I am frustrated. Frustrated with being single and alone. It's a mess and I hate it. Admittedly, I asked someone out recently, but I haven't had an answer yet, so I am on tender hooks, waiting for a reply. Grrr. It's so stressful. At least if I'd had an answer, I could be really happy, or I could be wallowing and get it over with. Maybe I should wallow now, so when I do get the answer, I either feel much happier, or I've gotten the wallowing out of the way.

Writing is not going very well right now. I just can't seem to find a state of mind where I want to write. I sit in front of this laptop and try to think of something... anything, and nothing is coming to my mind. I can't even bring myself to edit stuff. I think I just need some time off.

Pushed to the edge

Sometimes, I feel like screaming, sometimes crying, and sometimes laughing...

Today I feel like committing murder. A horrible thought I know, but that is how annoyed I am. Once again, there has been a problem with my Student Loan. After calling the Student Loans Company a million times wondering why they haven't sent me my declaration forms, they finally tell me last week that I can get them from the internet and just send them off. So then, to eliminate the chance of any further confusion, I ask them specifically where to send my declaration forms. The woman tells me, point blank, that I send them to the Student Loans Company in Glasgow. She even gives me the bloody address.

SO WHY THE FUCK DID THEY RETURN THEM TODAY SAYING I SHOULD HAVE SENT THEM TO MY LOCAL AUTHORITY?

I just couldn't believe it. Do these people not know how stressful and maddening it is to not have your student loan on time? My guess is no, because people so blissfully ignorant and fucking stupid can't possibly have gotton into high school, let alone university. ARGHHHH!

Another thing that really grated me today. I sent my lecturer an email asking if an idea I'd had was suibtable to give in as my final project. He emails me back to say that my idea would work fine for the project, but I should make the project work for me, not me working to fit its constraints. Which I understand (Sort of) because I'm in a Creative Writing degree... surely I shouldn't feel constrained by my projects to produce what I think they want, but work to my inspiration and imagination. So, at that point, I was happy. Then he says in the email: "You've tended to play it very safe in the past Michele but I think you've got a great deal more ability than you've let on." Now, the end part is a compliment, I get that, but playing it safe? This guy has had ONE piece of work from me in three years, and he's saying I tend to play it safe? I worked fucking hard for my work last year for this guy, and I still got a D. If he calls working your ass off for a D grade playing it safe, I think he should rethink his understanding of the term.

Plus, if he's saying that this project will be "playing it safe" then what the fuck am I meant to be doing for him? I thought I'd had a good original idea, with elements of Post-modernism, which is bloody difficult to write sometimes, and I've told him ideas about add ons to my project, which will make it not only bits of paper, but combined in a way that makes looking at it more enjoyable. Why is that not enough? Why can't they just get a story (or poem or whatever) from us, look at the writing and grade us on that. Not all this: You must do something that makes you completely uncomfortable and is something you will never use again. What is wrong with a good old fashioned Story? ARGHHH!

So, you can see why I'm angry. I've got no money, no cigarettes, and I'm being told my writing isn't good enough. Plus, the one thing I was really looking forward to this week, a girlie night out tomorrow, I might not be able to go on because of having no money due to the fucking student loans people.

I'm assuming that if I told a jury why I'd run around the student loans company with a shot gun killing everything in site they'd understand... plus, I'd have the insanity defence on my side because they have been driving me insane for three months now. Get Jack Bauer on the phone... I'm going to need a professional.

There is only a few things that spell legend.....

One of them is J A C K B A U E R.

Another is K I E F E R S U T H E R L A N D.
(ooo, wouldn't I do well in a spelling bee)

I've started re-watching 24 series 6, which I was bought by my sisters for my birthday, and I absolutely LOVE IT! It's one of those shows that makes me scream with excitement. Especially when Jack bit out a guy's neck... It's hilarious!

LOL! I'm watching the third episode, where Jack just grabbed a guy, pulling him away from his car and throwing him to the floor and points at him... "Don't get up" - And the guy doesn't! I mean, would you? It's Jack bloody Bauer.

I was reading a while ago about Kiefer Sutherland going to jail for DUI charges. They've sentenced him to 48 days, but what I was amused about was that Kiefer will be allowed to serve the sentence in two different times. Apparently, Kiefer specifically requested this, and offered to do more time in exchange for being able to serve two sentences, so as not to disrupt the schedule for filming of 24.

Firstly, as a big Kiefer fan, I was really happy about this, I mean, he's so nice to offer to spend more time in jail, apparently so that he is the only person who pays for his crime, and not everyone who works on 24. How cool is that? LEGEND!

Secondly... you just know the judge was a 24 fan. He was probably thinking, 'well, there's no way I can let him off seeing as this is his second offence and he has pleaded guilty. but damnit, I don't want to have to wait another two years before I can watch the next series.' - "YEAH. Of course you can split your sentence Mr Bauer... I mean, Sutherland."

Thirdly, I was rather surprised to learn that Kiefer Sutherland will be entering prison on December 21st. I mean, talk about dedication to your job, he's going into prison over christmas. - Kiefer has a daughter, and as far as I am aware, a girlfriend who also has a young daughter. Surely he'd wand to spend time with them.
SFGate Article on Kiefer's Jail Sentence


The other thing I was wondering about, there are all these rumours about a 24 movie, which I know is going to be put off until after they finish filming the series, but I was curious as to how they'll do it. The whole reason 24 is such a hit (apart from Kiefer Sutherland) and an innovative show is the real time element. So what... will they scrap that for the movie? Or will it be that the terrorists only give them two and a half hours?

If they only give them two and a half hours... my suggestion to CTU - Let Jack make ALL the decisions, because every time you don't do what he says... you get it wrong!

As the amusing quote goes: "If everyone on 24 did what Jack Bauer told them to do, the show would be called 12"